The sunniest afternoon of the year spent in a windowless Korova Milk Bar-like Holiday Inn in Eastleigh, being reprogrammed by Borg from Hampshire Constabulary Driver Awareness Training. A perfect illustration of ‘When Outsourcing Goes Wrong’: a grotesque David-Brent-meets-Magwitch ex-policeman performing opposite his Royston Vasey female counterpart.

She, an apparently drunken Tim Burton-styled apples ‘n’ pears landlady, wearing metaphorical hobnail boots, the soles of which — imprinted with stopping the distances for jellied-eels at 30, 40, 50, 60 and 70 mph — stamping again, and again, hour after hour, into my face in retributive justice, as I scream ‘only a fool breaks the two second rule…’